I have learned that a Hero Daddy fosters discipline, which differs from control. Discipline, when positively nurtured, engenders self-control. learn how this is achieved in the following readings.
Time to Reflect.
Dear Parent,
1. Is your discipline strategy aligned with that of your spouse? Discuss ways you can reconcile differences and forge a united front.
2. Are you prone to lecturing your child? make efforts to 'abbreviate' your sessions ; the end results will be better. Abbreviate means shorten.
3. Are your rules explicit to your children, or do they have to second-guess you? Clarity results in efficacy. Explicit means
stated clearly and in detail, leaving no room for confusion or doubt.
1. Discipline Differs from Punishment
When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.
~ Haim G Ginott
Discipline is defined as a combination of parental example, instruction, and correction that teaches a child to live according to family values and rules, in harmony with society and culture. Parent must go through this process together with the child.
Punishment, on the other hand, is the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offence. Pain always inflict fear in the victim.
Notice the words in italics (see above sentences again) for each of the definitions. Therein lies the crux of how these two actions -- discipline and punishment -- are totally different. each comes with vastly different psychological implications. Positive Discipline develop the prefrontal cortex of the child's brain. While punishment develops and trigger the child's amygdala of the child's brain.
Parental example, instruction and correction form the basis of disciplining children within a family context. To enforce discipline, parents must observe discipline themselves. You must walk the talk.
Parent, if you want to enforce responsibility, you will have to model the behavior. If you want your child to control his/her temper, you will, do well, have to rein in your own temper. No excuse with reasoning, "I am adult, you make me angry."
In short, we as parents have to model behaviours that we want our child to learn and adopt. Remember, children watch what you do, not what you say. Your actions speak so loud that I can't hear what you are actually saying.
Discipline involves the creation of rules in accordance with family, societal and cultural values. Correction is used when these rules are not adhered to. To correct is to put right an error. More importantly, discipline involves the teaching of new and positive behaviours.
Punishment, on the other hand, does not teach a child how to behave right. Punishment is an infliction of a penalty, in retribution for an offence. The definition of retribution is linked to vengeance, so you can see where I am headed with this.
Punishment is often synonymous with physical punishment. And in most situations, physical punishment often leads to creating resentment and fear in children. A child who is spanked out of anger or YELLED AT will not know how to behave positively. Instead, the child will learn that aggression and physical violence is acceptable.
When it comes to correcting a child, it is about modifying behavior. reject the child's specific wrongdoing, not the child.
It is the misbehavior that you want to change, not change the child per se. The child will continue as a human as you are.
To discipline effectively, we as parents must ensure that our children explicitly understand the rules that have been set out (instruction). Correction is used only when the rules have been clearly spelt out, and yet not adhered to.
For example, suppose two siblings quarrel over the use of a computer. Hurtful words and accusations (lies) are exchanged between the two. To enforce discipline, you as the Hero Parent, will state very clearly that:
1. The computer is to be shared (Rule/Instruction);
2. Hurtful words and accusations are not acceptable (Specific negative behavior);
3. Co-operation is required. Both siblings have to work out a computer allocation schedule (Specific positive behavior / New skills).
Unless the above guidelines are complied with, use of the computer at home will be DENIED to BOTH siblings. In correcting, remember that it is the behavior you as Hero Parent wishes to modify, so be specific about what you want corrected.
2. Fathers: Do Not Hit Your Daughters
I've made it my business to observe fathers and daughters. And I've seen some incredible, beautiful thigs. Like the little girl who's not very cute -- her teeth are funny, and her hair doesn't grow right, and she's got on thick glasses -- but her father holds her hand and walks with her like she's a tiny angel that no one can touch. He gives her the best gift a woman can get in this world: PROTECTION. And the little girl learns to trust the man in her life. And all the things that the world expects from women -- to be beautiful, to soothe the troubled spirit, heal the sick, care for the dying, send the greeting card, bake the cake -- all of those things become the way we pay the father back for protecting us. ~ Adriana Trigiani
It is a little-known fact that the relationship with the opposite-sex parent bears the most profound influence on whether children grow up to be secure, fulfilled and happy children. Hence, how mothers relate to their sons, and how fathers relate to their daughters, will determine how children will eventually turn out in life.
Many see a daughter's relationship with her father as subordinate to her bond with her mother. Nothing could be further from the truth, Psychologist Linda Nielsen states that positive father-daughter relationships produce well-adjusted, confident and successful daughters who relate well to the men in their lives. Daughters who are physically disciplined by their fathers out of anger can develop an unhealthy distrust of men, or in more severe cases, gravitate towards abusive men. Their self-esteem plummets, and they become emotionally dependent and clingy.
Fathers are their daughters' protectors, not their tormentors. And in all many parenting workshops we have constantly exhorted fathers who practice physical punishment to STOP HITTING their daughters.
At the end of these workshops, it is not uncommon for come fathers to come up and thank me for highlighting this. One daddy acknowledged that he had a bad problem reining in his temper, and his eldest daughter often bore the brunt of his outbursts. Things got so bad that his daughter trembled whenever he approached her. After the workshop, he resolved never to hit her again.
Fathers are the first men in their daughters' lives. That comes with immerse responsibility and significance.
So speak to your daughter if she makes you feel angry, BUT NEVER HIT HER. NEVER.
3. Punish the Behavior, Not the Child
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you feel humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better? ~ Jane Nelson
4. Develop a United Disciplinary Strategy with Mum
You will never change your life until you change something you do daily. ~ John C Maxwell
5. Lectures Don't Work
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~ Robert Fulghum
6. Your Children are Human
So often, children are punished for being human. Children are not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, disrespectful tones, or bad attitudes, yet we adults have them all the time! We think if we don't nip it in the bud, it will escalate and we will lose control. Let go of that unfounded feat and give your child permission to be human. We all have days like that. None of us are perfect, and we adults must stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain ourselves. All of the punishments you could throw at them children will not stamp out their humanity, for to err is human, and we all do it sometimes. ~ Rebecca Eanes. To forgive the children's errors is divine.
7. Don't Compare
The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling less than another, comparison only fan the fires.
8. Understand Why Children Misbehave
Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery. ~ JK Rowling
9. Use the Sandwich Technique of Constructive Criticism
Constructive criticism is about finding something good and positive to soften the blow to the real critique of what really went on. ~ Paula Abdul
10. Discipline Involves Respect
The greatest mark of a father is how he treats his children when no one is looking. ~ Dan Pearce
Time to Reflect.
Dear Parent,
1. Is your discipline strategy aligned with that of your spouse? Discuss ways you can reconcile differences and forge a united front.
2. Are you prone to lecturing your child? make efforts to 'abbreviate' your sessions ; the end results will be better. Abbreviate means shorten.
3. Are your rules explicit to your children, or do they have to second-guess you? Clarity results in efficacy. Explicit means
stated clearly and in detail, leaving no room for confusion or doubt.
1. Discipline Differs from Punishment
When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.
~ Haim G Ginott
Discipline is defined as a combination of parental example, instruction, and correction that teaches a child to live according to family values and rules, in harmony with society and culture. Parent must go through this process together with the child.
Punishment, on the other hand, is the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offence. Pain always inflict fear in the victim.
Notice the words in italics (see above sentences again) for each of the definitions. Therein lies the crux of how these two actions -- discipline and punishment -- are totally different. each comes with vastly different psychological implications. Positive Discipline develop the prefrontal cortex of the child's brain. While punishment develops and trigger the child's amygdala of the child's brain.
Parental example, instruction and correction form the basis of disciplining children within a family context. To enforce discipline, parents must observe discipline themselves. You must walk the talk.
Parent, if you want to enforce responsibility, you will have to model the behavior. If you want your child to control his/her temper, you will, do well, have to rein in your own temper. No excuse with reasoning, "I am adult, you make me angry."
In short, we as parents have to model behaviours that we want our child to learn and adopt. Remember, children watch what you do, not what you say. Your actions speak so loud that I can't hear what you are actually saying.
Discipline involves the creation of rules in accordance with family, societal and cultural values. Correction is used when these rules are not adhered to. To correct is to put right an error. More importantly, discipline involves the teaching of new and positive behaviours.
Punishment, on the other hand, does not teach a child how to behave right. Punishment is an infliction of a penalty, in retribution for an offence. The definition of retribution is linked to vengeance, so you can see where I am headed with this.
Punishment is often synonymous with physical punishment. And in most situations, physical punishment often leads to creating resentment and fear in children. A child who is spanked out of anger or YELLED AT will not know how to behave positively. Instead, the child will learn that aggression and physical violence is acceptable.
When it comes to correcting a child, it is about modifying behavior. reject the child's specific wrongdoing, not the child.
It is the misbehavior that you want to change, not change the child per se. The child will continue as a human as you are.
To discipline effectively, we as parents must ensure that our children explicitly understand the rules that have been set out (instruction). Correction is used only when the rules have been clearly spelt out, and yet not adhered to.
For example, suppose two siblings quarrel over the use of a computer. Hurtful words and accusations (lies) are exchanged between the two. To enforce discipline, you as the Hero Parent, will state very clearly that:
1. The computer is to be shared (Rule/Instruction);
2. Hurtful words and accusations are not acceptable (Specific negative behavior);
3. Co-operation is required. Both siblings have to work out a computer allocation schedule (Specific positive behavior / New skills).
Unless the above guidelines are complied with, use of the computer at home will be DENIED to BOTH siblings. In correcting, remember that it is the behavior you as Hero Parent wishes to modify, so be specific about what you want corrected.
2. Fathers: Do Not Hit Your Daughters
I've made it my business to observe fathers and daughters. And I've seen some incredible, beautiful thigs. Like the little girl who's not very cute -- her teeth are funny, and her hair doesn't grow right, and she's got on thick glasses -- but her father holds her hand and walks with her like she's a tiny angel that no one can touch. He gives her the best gift a woman can get in this world: PROTECTION. And the little girl learns to trust the man in her life. And all the things that the world expects from women -- to be beautiful, to soothe the troubled spirit, heal the sick, care for the dying, send the greeting card, bake the cake -- all of those things become the way we pay the father back for protecting us. ~ Adriana Trigiani
It is a little-known fact that the relationship with the opposite-sex parent bears the most profound influence on whether children grow up to be secure, fulfilled and happy children. Hence, how mothers relate to their sons, and how fathers relate to their daughters, will determine how children will eventually turn out in life.
Many see a daughter's relationship with her father as subordinate to her bond with her mother. Nothing could be further from the truth, Psychologist Linda Nielsen states that positive father-daughter relationships produce well-adjusted, confident and successful daughters who relate well to the men in their lives. Daughters who are physically disciplined by their fathers out of anger can develop an unhealthy distrust of men, or in more severe cases, gravitate towards abusive men. Their self-esteem plummets, and they become emotionally dependent and clingy.
Fathers are their daughters' protectors, not their tormentors. And in all many parenting workshops we have constantly exhorted fathers who practice physical punishment to STOP HITTING their daughters.
At the end of these workshops, it is not uncommon for come fathers to come up and thank me for highlighting this. One daddy acknowledged that he had a bad problem reining in his temper, and his eldest daughter often bore the brunt of his outbursts. Things got so bad that his daughter trembled whenever he approached her. After the workshop, he resolved never to hit her again.
Fathers are the first men in their daughters' lives. That comes with immerse responsibility and significance.
So speak to your daughter if she makes you feel angry, BUT NEVER HIT HER. NEVER.
3. Punish the Behavior, Not the Child
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you feel humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better? ~ Jane Nelson
4. Develop a United Disciplinary Strategy with Mum
You will never change your life until you change something you do daily. ~ John C Maxwell
5. Lectures Don't Work
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~ Robert Fulghum
6. Your Children are Human
So often, children are punished for being human. Children are not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, disrespectful tones, or bad attitudes, yet we adults have them all the time! We think if we don't nip it in the bud, it will escalate and we will lose control. Let go of that unfounded feat and give your child permission to be human. We all have days like that. None of us are perfect, and we adults must stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain ourselves. All of the punishments you could throw at them children will not stamp out their humanity, for to err is human, and we all do it sometimes. ~ Rebecca Eanes. To forgive the children's errors is divine.
7. Don't Compare
The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling less than another, comparison only fan the fires.
8. Understand Why Children Misbehave
Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery. ~ JK Rowling
9. Use the Sandwich Technique of Constructive Criticism
Constructive criticism is about finding something good and positive to soften the blow to the real critique of what really went on. ~ Paula Abdul
10. Discipline Involves Respect
The greatest mark of a father is how he treats his children when no one is looking. ~ Dan Pearce
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